Movie time
The hot tub is successfully inflated upstairs so my husband can again keep me company downstairs. It’s about 5 pm and my contractions are quite regular, but still manageable and not too strong. We decide to watch a movie to pass the time. In fact, we were supposed to go to the cinema that evening, but I guess that’s kinda out of picture now. 🙃
We choose some light-hearted comedy as I can’t focus fully, sometimes (more and more often) I need to get up, walk around the living room and breathe through the contractions. The kitchen counter helps a lot, too. I lean against it and move my hips intuitively to find some relief, especially in the lower back that’s been hurting me since I woke up in the morning.
Yoni steaming
When we are done with the movie, we decide to move upstairs as I am feeling like shower would be a good idea at this point. It’s about 7 pm. After the shower where I spend ages as it feels sooo good!, my husband starts preparing yoni steaming. He was given the instructions already weeks back, so he knows how to boil the herbs and how to get it all ready. I was using the yoni steaming already during our ttc journey, among other holistic remedies to boost my fertility. And I did one also a few days back in preparation for labour.
At around 8 pm my contractions are getting more and more intense and quite close to each other (there’s about 3 minutes time in between them to catch my breath), so my husband calls my midwife. She arrives in 45 min, just when I am enjoying the vaginal steaming. I thought it would be difficult to manage and sit in stillness, but the warmth down there feels so relaxing and pain-relieving.
After the examination we find out I am dilated to 3-4 cm. Not great not terrible, but having no idea how this usually goes, I was maybe expecting a bit higher number. At this point I am spending my time moving around the upper floor, leaning against my husband or bed and jumping into the shower, looking for any pain relief I can get. I love being in the shower and I wish I could already move into the birth pool, but my midwife’s call is to wait with that.
Time to break the waters?
In about an hour there is no change. With my midwife we then agree if nothing changes by midnight, she would break my water which might speed up the process. Given the fact I barely slept the night before I am starting to feel exhausted. This feeling of not knowing how long it might still take, minutes, hours, days? is freaking me out.
There are contractions so strong that I feel like I cannot handle them anymore. But then I remember one of my favourite affirmations I was listening to during my birth prep. These contractions are me, so they cannot be stronger than me. I put on the affirmations and try to empower myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes I get lost in the pain and the breath. In these moments my midwife is of a huge support and reminds me to breathe and breaths with me.
My husband is my cheerleader, too. He supplies me with coconut water and offers a hand to squeeze whenever needed. He massages the acupuncture points we were given by my acupuncturist when we did a session together a few weeks back. I want him to press all the points at once and help me get rid of the pain!
Birth pool time finally
My midwife warns me that after breaking my water the contractions will become much stronger, but honestly they feel the same. At midnight I finally move to the birth pool/ hot tub. The warm water feels like magic. I feel like a whale, huge and clumsy, moving from one side to another, finding any position that works for the moment. Sometimes I get lost in the pain, but my midwife is there, reminding me to breathe and to slow down my breath.
I need to get out of the pool twice to check how dilated I am. The 1st check shows a bit of improvement (6 cm), the 2nd one shows I am at 8-9 cm. We are getting there! It will be 2 am and while I am thrilled we are moving to the last phase, I am also crazy exhausted.
Wait what, push?
When I feel like I can’t take the pressure on my lower back anymore, my midwife says it’s go-time and I need to push. Wait, what? Push? During the hypnobirthing course I did they said there would be no pushing, just breathing the baby out. I am confused and don’t really know what to do. I miss the few first contractions without any pushing. 😓
Until this point I was breathing through the nose and exhaling deeply through the mouth. My midwife advises me to close the mouth and keep breathing through the nose only when pushing. I put myself together and start to push. While painful as hell, I don’t feel like anything is moving down there. Which is not true, though.
After a few pushes my midwife tells me she can already see the head and asks whether I want to touch it. I always thought I would want that, but now, for some reason, I don’t want to. She tells me I need to push now really hard and it might be the last time I’m gonna push. But I am exhausted and I just miss the contraction without doing any pushing.
The baby girl is here
“I can’t push anymore, I’m so tired”. “You have to, just once more.” “What if I can’t?” “I’ll make you a small cut so there’s more space for the head, the baby girl really needs to go out now.” While I’m panicking about the cut and being afraid of more pain, I can barely feel it. Then I go for the final push. Here she goes! All at once, not just the head, but the whole body. I am afraid to grab her myself so my midwife passes her onto my chest. It’s 2:30 am.
My husband starts crying and all I can feel is relief. I can’t believe I’ve made it. So powerful, so empowering, yet so scary. And PAINFUL. I am shaking from all the adrenalin and I am also terribly cold when I get out of the pool. Fortunately, it is only a few steps to our bedroom where I’m covered with plenty of blankets.
The whole time my husband and our baby are with me, I love that we are not separated even for a moment. Our midwife gives us space to bond and we are just lying in bed the three of us, looking at each other and into the little girl’s big eyes. I try to navigate her to my breasts and nipples, but she doesn’t latch on. While this idea of breastfeeding straight after given birth seemed nice, I am not worried. It’ll come later.
On our own
After bonding, weighting, checking and dressing our baby, my midwife leaves at 5 am and our family is on its own. It feels frightening, but I am so exhausted that I just go to sleep. My husband is terrified, he keeps checking on the baby and doesn’t go to sleep at all. In the Netherlands where we live you can ask for help during the 1st week which we requested. At 9 am a lady comes to our home to help us with the baby and to help me with whatever I need. We can finally relax a little bit. Now the harder part starts, it’s called postpartum. 😬
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