Even when you do get pregnant, carry to term and finally bring your beautiful baby to this world, the fertility struggles you’ve been through don’t go away. Infertility leaves a mark forever.
Before we set off on our fertility journey, we always knew we wanted more children. Since I was a teenager I was dreaming of once having three kids. My husband’s dreams weren’t so straight forward, but he was also sure he’d want more than one.
And then for a long time we didn’t know whether we’d have even one child.
Should we try for a second one?
When I finally got pregnant with our baby girl and eventually gave birth to her, after a while the thought of “should we try for a second one” started to creep in. I got my cycle back when my daughter was 6 months old which pleasantly surprised me. Still breastfeeding exclusively and in these cases the cycle tends to come back a bit later on.
I know many women hate it when they get their period back, but boy I loved having my cycle back. My brain fog disappeared, I felt more energetic and felt like I had more structure in my life again. My cycle is a big part of my lifestyle and of who I am. I change my activities, my exercise routine based on which cycle phase I am in, so life made a bit more sense again.
And I could start charting again! I was so excited to see my first chart postpartum and to read what was going on in my cycle, if and when I ovulated and where I could support my cycle further. But that would be for another whole article, which I might write in the future. 🙂
Thrown right back
However, with all those positive feelings all the pain and distress from my fertility journey was right back, too. “Omg, my period is back, which theoretically means I can get pregnant again”. And then all the questions started popping into my head.
Should we start trying asap since it took so long the last time?
Our baby is only 6 months old, are we gonna manage?
If it doesn’t happen easily again, will I be able to navigate the journey once more?
Do I have the energy and mental capacity to be going through that again?
What if this time there is no happy end, will I be able to come to terms with having only one child?
Is my husband emotionally ready to go through this again?
Period after period, can I handle the disappointment?
Do I WANT TO go through it again?
With all those thoughts my anxiety was right back, too. We discussed it with my husband who felt the same way and was worried about me. He was all the way there during our fertility journey and saw the toll it has taken on me. We decided to let go (I was still charting though, can’t let go of this one 😁), not to time intercourse and only really start trying once our baby turns one.
My body is different now
In the meanwhile, I kept working on my health and wellbeing, replenishing all the lost nutrients during pregnancy and birth. I started taking some supplements for what my cycle needed based on my charts. To my regular yoga practice I started practising more fertility yoga again. I worked on my mental health, too. “My body is different now. All the hard work I’ve done is not lost, I am healthier and more fertile. This time I will get pregnant within six months”. That was the narrative I was telling myself and while I didn’t believe it 100%, there was a part of me that did believe it. And I think even a part is a huge win. 😊
Even though we said we wouldn’t per se try, every period I got was a huge disappointment and as expected, I was thrown right back to our fertility journey when trying for our first baby. And I did the same as I did back then. Took the time to grieve. I sat with my emotions when my period arrived, didn’t ignore them but went right through them. I realized that was the positive side of the fertility struggles, I now had so many tools and coping mechanisms to help me navigate all this.
Infertility leaves a mark forever
I got pregnant on my third cycle when our baby girl wasn’t even nine months. I was in disbelief. Did I feel pure joy? Of course not, infertility leaves a mark forever. Infertility steals the joy. It makes you question everything. I felt joy but I also felt extremely anxious. “We didn’t have to work hard for this one, does it mean we’ll lose it? Easy come easy go?” With every ultrasound I was even more anxious than with our first baby, I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. I think I started to believe everything was gonna work out when I was about 20 weeks pregnant.
I am so lucky to have two beautiful children and I will never be grateful enough as I know how many of you are still waiting. But I feel a bit sad that I have never and will never experience the pure joy people feel when they get a positive pregnancy test. Even if we decided for a third addition to our family (and then I’m sure all the questions I mentioned earlier would arise again), I would be even more terrified than ever. So many things can go south and I have now two children to think about. But what if I still don’t feel like our family is complete. Can I handle more disappointment and heartbreak?
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